Weighing on my head

I case you haven’t heard by now I’ve jumped on the Weight Watchers band wagon.

This is something I SWORE I’d never do. Never. Never, Ever, Never. Did I say never?

But I did it.

I don’t live for the scale. Never have. In fact, it took me until about three or four years ago to own one. That’s right. I’ve managed to survive life this long without a scale. Don’t ask me how or why I’ve been surviving… just know that my weight has never really been a struggle.

Then I turned 30. And then. I got pregnant. And now? The baby is five. I can’t really claim baby weight anymore (preschool weight maybe?) as my excuse for not dropping the last few pounds.

In fact, I can’t really claim anything as a good excuse. Nothing at all. In 2007 (probably when I bought the scale) I started visiting our one and only local gym. They had just started adult fitness classes and I was attending two nights a week taking a Power Pilates class.

LOVED IT. Used my myspace.com blog page to tell people about my journey, the insanity of me on a Pilates ball, fending off pudding cravings, and how I was feeling about it all. For some reason though I stopped going and stopped writing about it. I think it was because I couldn’t afford the gym membership for awhile and then the gym decided that a location some 40 minutes away was a better idea and so I lost the only place I could barely afford to work out.

I didn’t fall off the wagon very hard but I missed going. I had fun and even though I had no work out buddy, (still don’t) it was my two hours away from everyone a week. I took it as paid-for me time.

Now it’s almost four years later and over that time, I’ve played nice with the scale. I check in on it every now and then so it doesn’t collect dust in my bathroom and I curse it like a dysfunctional relationship to make it feel loved. It’s worked thus far but I’m needing something more.

I really want to blame Shannan for me joining weight watchers. Okay so maybe she didn’t twist my arm but she’s been doing it and was starting to see some results. I started thinking that if Shannan can do it, so can I.

Then… miracle of miracles the gym moved back to town. Seems here in our sleepy town was the best place for it after all.

Still, I wasn’t ready. I don’t know for sure that I am ready now but I put my money where my mouth (or my stomach actually) is and joined WW. I actually told myself as I was hitting the submit button for payment that I was doing it for Shannan.

I browsed the site, updated all my information, read a few articles and then had an immediate and sudden urge for a hot fudge sundae and wanted to back out.

Then my friend Mardi saw my Facebook update and she joined that same day.

Shit. Now I’m stuck doing this for Mardi and Shannan. See what I do for friends?

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m tracking food, crying over wanting my chocolate constantly and cursing myself. And though I lost my first four pounds this last week (I realize this is the norm for the first couple of weeks), I’m still freaking out. I hate spending money on something that I’m not 100 percent certain of. It worries me to no end.

I have fears ya’ll. And obstacles.

Weight Loss Fears

• I’m gonna fall off the wagon and fail.
• I’m going to be wasting some serious money.
• Someone’s going to laugh at me (figuratively or literally).
• I’m going to fall off the wagon and fail.
• Temptation for yummy things? I have it.

I think that my obstacles are bigger than my fears though.

Big Ol’ Bag of Weight Loss Obstacles

• This eating healthy crap is expensive.
• I hate exercise. I mean… HATE. If it looks like exercise I break out in hives (that’s not true but it sounds good).
• I don’t have the motivation to get up and exercise.

I feel like the weight loss obstacles are bigger than the fears because they require some sort of action or response my part.

For one, we really don’t have the budget for me to go crazy at the grocery store buying the kinds of things I will like to eat to keep me on track or to make crazy elaborate recipes and meals. Also, when I do buy stuff I like or will eat I have to hide them from people or buy quadruple in order for there to be any for me to eat.

Then there’s the exercising part, I loved going to the gym, I swear I’m not lying. But I don’t think it’s in my budget for me to go back just yet though I’d love to and I’d love to have someone to go with me. Besides, did I mention how much I HATE exercising on the whole? I have a treadmill and Pilates ball (and videos) here at home and someone is going to have to put a gun to my head to make me use any of them. I know this about myself. Trust me.

I think it’s going to be the additional expense of the food that’s going to do me in to be honest. And before you say it, yes I know that it’s a self-depreciating comment to talk like I’m already done in but it’s a fact. We have to watch our grocery spending. Having our freezer fully stocked with home raised beef and pork is healthier I believe and saves on the grocery bill but I’m having a hard time figuring those points since a lot of weight watchers points are measured with store bought brand name foods.

This is going to require me to cook. Another fear/obstacle for me. I’m not overly good at it… cooking that is.

So I’m throwing myself out there to those of you who are already on some kind of weight loss plan or trying to eat healthier this year. How are you doing it without breaking the grocery budget? Where are you shopping? What are you are you cooking? Can I come over and watch?

I realize that there’s a lot in this post to digest (pun intended), but it’s where my head is right now. I’m struggling to make it into week two, find not only the motivation to add exercise but the time as well, and not break our grocery budget into a million pieces.

Also, if I do fail at this, I’m not going to beat myself up over it like I know some people would. I think it’s more about just wanting to be healthier than losing actual weight. Yes, I’d love to see a pair of single digit jeans again but if it doesn’t happen, I won’t lose sleep over it.

So there it is… I’m heading into week two of weight watchers and looking for the motivation to exercise, foods that won’t break the bank and recipes that I can cook today… or tomorrow, without another trip to the store by week’s end.

*I should probably add that if you’re on WW.com, my username is ‘theguiltyparent’. How original right?