Yes, I took a year off—but with good reason. We filed for divorce in February. Since we had no disagreements about assets or custody, the process was smooth, and everything came to a close by early May. Divorces usually don’t go that smoothly, but we had reached a point where we both agreed being awful to one another wouldn’t help either of us. I’m a child of divorced parents and I witnessed how hatred and heartbreak could wreak havoc on otherwise wonderful people. No one comes out as a winner in a divorce.
Our divorce wasn’t triggered by any one thing. Instead, many little things happened and then snowballed over the last four or five years.
Alaska and the strain on our marriage
For me, it started when I found out I was in heart failure. I remember thinking how much I hated my life and where I was. I had a job that I not only despised but I was certain the stress of it helped me land in heart failure. I began to resent him for bringing us to Alaska. For not being home to help me and not seeing how wrong something was with me. It was the catalyst that launched the worst episode of depression I ever had and I am ashamed to say, I took everyone with me. I couldn’t help my kids with the adjustment because I could barely help myself.
I was too caught up in the day-to-day, the unknown of chronic illness, and trying to keep it all together to realize he was just as miserable, if not more so, and had been for a long time, even before we moved. I know there was a ton of pressure on him; to make Alaska “work” for us, to give us a fresh start, to keep us financially afloat after moving, and to adjust to not coming home from work every day because work wasn’t in one location. We never talked about any of it. What’s worse is we didn’t even argue about it. We talked about the surface problems like new tires on the vehicles, buying the house, cutting the budget, paying the bills, and kid/school stuff. Turns out changing locations doesn’t fix the problem.
I’m not trying to sound blameless, I know my faults and my flaws. I know where I failed and would’ve, could’ve should’ve done. But here we are.
Finding myself after divorce
I don’t regret the last nine years. Without Alaska and the struggles that eventually led to our divorce, I don’t think I would’ve followed through with therapy after my Mother-in-Law passed away. Three years of therapy taught me so much about myself and it’s debunked a lot of the falsehoods I believed about myself. I started to learn my worth, not as a writer or a mom, but as a human. I learned about my role in my marriage, owning my role in my divorce, my faults, and how I should’ve never let them outweigh my strengths or my value as a person.
I’m no longer scared to be on my own because once I looked back on the last 28 years, in one way or another, I was on my own. Divorce holds a lot of unknowns, and I still don’t like not knowing what’s coming next but I don’t want to run and hide from it anymore either.
I don’t hate him but I have a healthy dose of bitterness inside me. How could I not? But I know it won’t get me anywhere or solve anything. However, it does remind me of what I don’t want going forward. I’d rather use that to my advantage, not my downfall.
Even after the divorce, we are still very much involved in one another’s lives and I imagine we will be for a while. There are a lot of things that I will miss, and just as many that I won’t. I’m still heartbroken.
We are… for lack of a better word, friends. We both want each other to find happiness, and we still love one another but not in the way we both deserve to be loved.
Health, family, and moving forward after the divorce
In case you’ve never seen my Instagram, I moved back to Ohio in early July (you saw that coming, didn’t you?). My cardiology team is here, my parents, three-fourths of my siblings, and my daughter are here and I’ve missed all of them.
However, I did grow to like Alaska and I would’ve been happy to stay. My sons are there. I have a super small circle of friends and a therapist whom I trust. I worked out in my head how to afford to live in Alaska after the divorce but I always ran into the same problem; I needed the specialists that Ohio has. It wasn’t for lack of trying (or not wanting) to stay in Alaska, it was lack of healthcare.
Yes, there are other cardiology teams but ask any parent of a child who has a CHD, or ask any one of the 2 million adults living with one, and we will all tell you, once you’ve found the ‘right’ team, it’s hard to break in a new team. I’ve built trust with the folks in Columbus. I loved the Columbus team the moment I met them in 2012, I just wasn’t ready to be a compliant patient and had no idea how badly I would need them one day.
Facing my future: life beyond divorce
It’s not all about my cardiology needs though. I am excited to be on my own for once. I have never lived on my own, and though my daughter has moved in with me, I get a freedom I’d never experienced before. I’m essentially starting over. From scratch.
I’m scared I’ll forget all the things I learned in therapy, I’m worried that work will dry up or I won’t be able to keep working from home, but I’m excited to see these challenges through. I don’t have much of a choice since I can’t fall back on a partner but I like working on a problem and finding a solution that fits my needs. Nothing says motivation like a divorce, I guess.
Thank you to everyone who told me how strong I was. I needed to hear it, on repeat.
It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing and I’m open to suggestions, advice, cautionary tales post-divorce, and BTDT stories, and in return, I’ll share more of what I’ve learned, what I’m still learning, and how the best days are yet to come.
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