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You are here: Home / Nurture Thyself / Don’t call it a comeback

Don’t call it a comeback

By Know-it-All Nikki 2 Comments

I’m still here.

Yes, I know, last fall I threw in the towel and proclaimed that I was SO DONE. DONE with blogging. But like all drugs, writing is a drug. It is addictive. It’s my heroin and whether I’m telling my own story or someone else’s, I live, feed off it, and breathe it. And when the hard work pays off, I profit from it.

The problem I had with writing at Chaos in the Country was its life expectancy had ended when we moved to AK. Chaos was built on living our life in rural NE Ohio, surrounded by cows, hogs, Amish, and sloppy ODOT drivers. In ways that I still can’t put into words, I felt like life was just beginning when we moved to the country and in so many ways I thought I’d never adjust to it. Peepers at night, the sounds of horses and buggies up and down the road, the warm summer breeze coming through the front windows, making the curtains fly like Superman’s cape.

It was quiet and peace and serenity. Things I didn’t know I needed to feel.

Ohio was… all my kids under one roof, an amazing job, family just a stone’s throw away, and mornings on my deck reading. It was blaring the radio in the summer, watching storm clouds come over the highway and cross the field, rocking out the house when I occasionally cleaned and party bussing to Walmart, the mall, or Chipotle. It was Thanksgiving on Friday, and venison in the freezer.

I built a life and a story there. It was a good one. It was the kind of story that you laugh and cry through and then throw the book when it’s over.

When we left Ohio, it felt like the story had just gotten to the good parts.

I miss it. I will never, ever stop missing it. That story will forever live on my shelf, a book to be dusted off and reread when life hands me more lemons that I have pitchers to fill with lemonade.

So here I am.

Ready to write a new story

This time though, the story won’t revolve around cows, kids, or any of the familiars. It will have to rely on new experiences; learning what it’s like to watch that empty nest get closer and closer, what my 40s feel like (spoiler: I kind of love them), understanding what it’s like to be an introvert (yeah now THAT’S a spoiler), and how I cope with my own personal anxiety and depression (more spoilers! Don’t you love me?!) and lastly, what a faker like me knows about keeping it all together in the midst of chaos. (That last part made me smile, how about you?).

One thing you should know though, this is not a comeback because I never quit. I never gave up. I just had to find a new story to tell.

Instead of fighting against my drug and resisting the need to put words to paper (or screen), I’m embracing it. I’m here to win. For you see, this drug? It’s not a bad one – it’s my anti-anxiety medicine. It’s the cheapest fix for what makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin or hide in the safety and darkness of my closet.

It’s like getting in the ring with my blood pumping. I’m ready to kick ass and make the pen and paper my bitch. Even when the words come out shitty and they make no sense, I’m victorious because I wrote SOMETHING. The paper is bloody with my feelings, my thoughts, my anxiety, and sadness out of my body and onto the page. I can throw it away or turn it into something useful.

And yes, I wrote this with LL Cool J on repeat (as one does when they’re feeling froggy).

 

One more thing, amazing things are on the way this year. I’m taking the old and making it new again and I’m ready to chase down some serious dreams.

Who’s with me?

Filed Under: Nurture Thyself Tagged With: blogging journey, creative writing, Win

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Char

    March 1, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    FYI – Thank you for including the LL video… That’s all I sang in my head as I read this, thanks to your title. Maybe it dates us a bit… But I am a 80s/90s kid at heart. Always will be.

    Reply
    • Nikki

      March 1, 2017 at 2:10 pm

      Same! The 80s and 90s raised us. We wouldn’t be who we are without the culture. Also, the moment I knew what I wanted to write about LL was singing this to me. He’s a good man.

      Reply

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I’m Nikki and I’m thrilled to have you here. I’m powered by a good chai latte, loads of chocolate, and humor. Here at Know-it-all Nikki, I dish up honest conversations about self-care and mental health. I also share living with a congenital heart defect, my love of books, knitting, midlife, and life as a Buckeye exploring The Last Frontier. So, pull up a seat, grab your tea, and let’s spill some tea, have a lot of laughs, and a few good cries. To learn more about what makes me tick, CLICK HERE

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Some people would see this and say, "my God what a Some people would see this and say, "my God what a mess!" But I know the truth; it's September 2nd and I am one day late to making new batches of chai latte and hot chocolate mixes.
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That's right! There's a new post on the blog! I've That's right! There's a new post on the blog! I've wanted to write this one for awhile but wasn't quite sure how I felt. Then a conversation with a friend on Monday turned on the light bulb in my head and it was... EUREKA 💡. Has this ever happened to you?

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But THEN you decide the basket oils perfect for taking only the essentials into the library so you fill it with your WIP, the jerky your bought, pens, your journal, phone, wallet, and keys. And now you feel all minimalist even though the big bag is still in the car with everything else. 🤣
I decided today to clean out my bag. And by "bag", I decided today to clean out my bag. And by "bag", I mean the giant @landsend tote bag I received when I went to the last ever GOOD Type-A Mom conference in 2017.
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Here are some of the items I found...
2 pairs if wired earbuds
3 pairs of wireless earbuds
2 disposable masks
1 reusable mask
4 types of loose leaf herbal tea packets
- A more than comfortable stack of receipts for someone who doesn't work anymore
- An even more than comfortable stack of garbage
1 pen bag
1 small makeup bag courtesy @ipsy 
- a plastic closable case for bobby pins and hair ties
Saline solution
Flonase
2 rolls of washi tape
1 bobby pin
5 hair ties
5 scrunchies 
3 small notebooks
1 phone charger adapter that you plug in🔌 
1 phone stand
1 tablet or book stand
1 gauge swatch for the temperature blanket @heatherspinsayarn and I never started 🤣🤣
1 medicine bottle with extra strength Tylenol
2 moist towelettes (packaged)
3 kinds of hand lotion
1 lip balm
1 office clamp
1 small paper clip
1 really awesome microfiber eyeglass cleaner (I can share a link if you want it)
1 pair of very dirty clip-on sunglasses 
1 travel size pack of kleenex
1 notepad I made out of the library's recycling paper
A pair of fingerless gloves (not knitted)
A business card for the Alaska state troopers
1 knitting needle sizer
2 stitch markers
 A complete set ofstitch markers
A Travel size tooth bush, toothpaste, and flosadeck of tarot cards
4 fabric headbands
1 sports headband
Passport
Wallet
5 pens
1 mechanical pencil
- Too much Alaska sand in the bottom
- A combination crochet hook / knitting needle
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And do you know what wasn't in there? The one thing I can't find... my driver's license
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