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You are here: Home / Explore / Alaska / When Never Backfires in Surprising Ways

When Never Backfires in Surprising Ways

By Know-it-All Nikki 1 Comment

You know when you say, “I’m never going to…” and then you not only do that something but you find out you really like that something and you needed that something but you didn’t know you needed it until you did it?

Well that’s exactly what happened to me this summer only I did it twice.

Heart and Head

The first major “Never” was finally taking my own issues with anxiety and depression beyond my own head. 

In mid July, I visited my primary care physician for a follow-up appointment.

She surprised me by asking about my mental health. She cited all the things I’d been through in the last two years and reminded me that my reason for being seen in the first place was because of stress and anxiety.

We got real about things. She asked me hard questions and I cried a little. Opening up about my breakdown in middle school, my suicide attempt in high school, and both antepartum and postpartum depression, turned out to be a wake-up call that this illness has always been with me.

I’ve masked it with bitchiness, humor, and anger but in reality what I have is high-functioning depression and anxiety and it’s taken years from me.

After a referral to a psychiatrist to come up with a treatment path, I walked away with a diagnosis and a prescription for an antidepressant along with a list of therapists.

The second major “Never” was buying a house in Alaska.

#MrandMrsSmithBuyAlaska

https://www.instagram.com/p/BX8bYyJBsU-/?taken-by=knowitallnikki

I know.

This was the absolute the last thing I said I’d do.

I know you remember that I blatantly refused to buy a house here in Alaska.

It was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

My feet pointed towards Ohio. I was determined that nothing was going to keep me from that.

I had family and friends who were willing to jump at the ready to get me home.

We both know it would’ve worked too except it began to look like running away. Friends and family said, “Well, you tried and it didn’t work so it’s time to come home.”

-However, I began to wonder how much of it was trial and failure and how much of it was the bastard depression and her mean girl friend anxiety?

I worked myself into a frenzy over the AFib and heart failure. Yes – that was some scary damn shit. When I took a closer look, I found anxiety holed up in the corner, feeding off of the negative things others had said to me:
 
You’re too far away from home.
You’re all alone.
Your support system’s gone.
You will never be happy.
If there is an emergency, what will you do?
 
It wasn’t that I didn’t have those same thoughts. When those thoughts echoed back to me, I let depression and anxiety run rampant.

In the time that my husband left and went back to the job site, I worked on my recovery, regaining my energy and began focusing what we needed as a family.  My mind was still a bit of a mess but something held me back from committing to running back to Ohio.

One day I opened my email, where I had been getting notifications of real estate listings in our price range, when I found our future home. I set up an appointment with our real estate broker to walk through it and took the two older kids with me.

Home?

The house had a feeling to it. It made me want to cry happy tears and sit and listen to the quiet. Set on almost two and half acres off the main highway, surrounded by trees and overlooking part of a river; I opened my eyes and let the possibilities in.

For the first time I could see things I hadn’t seen since moving to Alaska. I could feel a sense of peace that I had sworn was still sitting at the end of our old driveway in Ohio.

It was my promise to stop running and give things a chance that propelled my husband to buy it.

He saw the potential in the house and in giving us all what we wanted. I saw the potential of a home and giving us a what we needed; a start at healing what had felt so broken.

Filed Under: Alaska Tagged With: AFib, Alaska, anxiety, congenital heart defect, depression, living in Alaska, moving, New home

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Comments

  1. Heather

    October 12, 2017 at 3:14 pm

    I’m so excited for you in this new adventure in Alaska.

    Also, somebody needs to dust my house because some flew into my eyes again.

    Reply

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I’m Nikki and I’m thrilled to have you here. I’m powered by a good chai latte, loads of chocolate, and humor. Here at Know-it-all Nikki, I dish up honest conversations about self-care and mental health. I also share living with a congenital heart defect, my love of books, knitting, midlife, and life as a Buckeye exploring The Last Frontier. So, pull up a seat, grab your tea, and let’s spill some tea, have a lot of laughs, and a few good cries. To learn more about what makes me tick, CLICK HERE

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This could be very exciting! . . . . . #achd #crit This could be very exciting!
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The very idea that I have to do this to myself twice a day for the next week makes me want to vomit. I begged them to not make me do it but when I told the NP how I felt, ugh... it was dismissed. 

Wasnt there another option? Apparently not as warfarin isn't reliable (current blood thinner) or so I have been told. 

I've been told this doesn't hurt and that I won't feel a thing but I've been lied to before.

If you don't hear from me in the morning, there's a good chance I fainted and cracked my head open on the floor.
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