You know when you say, “I’m never going to…” and then you not only do that something but you find out you really like that something and you needed that something but you didn’t know you needed it until you did it?
Well that’s exactly what happened to me this summer only I did it twice.
Heart and Head
The first major “Never” was finally taking my own issues with anxiety and depression beyond my own head.
In mid July, I visited my primary care physician for a follow-up appointment.
She surprised me by asking about my mental health. She cited all the things I’d been through in the last two years and reminded me that my reason for being seen in the first place was because of stress and anxiety.
We got real about things. She asked me hard questions and I cried a little. Opening up about my breakdown in middle school, my suicide attempt in high school, and both antepartum and postpartum depression, turned out to be a wake-up call that this illness has always been with me.
I’ve masked it with bitchiness, humor, and anger but in reality what I have is high-functioning depression and anxiety and it’s taken years from me.
After a referral to a psychiatrist to come up with a treatment path, I walked away with a diagnosis and a prescription for an antidepressant along with a list of therapists.
The second major “Never” was buying a house in Alaska.
This was the absolute the last thing I said I’d do.
I know you remember that I blatantly refused to buy a house here in Alaska.
It was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
My feet pointed towards Ohio. I was determined that nothing was going to keep me from that.
I had family and friends who were willing to jump at the ready to get me home.
We both know it would’ve worked too except it began to look like running away. Friends and family said, “Well, you tried and it didn’t work so it’s time to come home.”
-However, I began to wonder how much of it was trial and failure and how much of it was the bastard depression and her mean girl friend anxiety?
In the time that my husband left and went back to the job site, I worked on my recovery, regaining my energy and began focusing what we needed as a family. My mind was still a bit of a mess but something held me back from committing to running back to Ohio.
One day I opened my email, where I had been getting notifications of real estate listings in our price range, when I found our future home. I set up an appointment with our real estate broker to walk through it and took the two older kids with me.
The house had a feeling to it. It made me want to cry happy tears and sit and listen to the quiet. Set on almost two and half acres off the main highway, surrounded by trees and overlooking part of a river; I opened my eyes and let the possibilities in.
For the first time I could see things I hadn’t seen since moving to Alaska. I could feel a sense of peace that I had sworn was still sitting at the end of our old driveway in Ohio.
It was my promise to stop running and give things a chance that propelled my husband to buy it.
He saw the potential in the house and in giving us all what we wanted. I saw the potential of a home and giving us a what we needed; a start at healing what had felt so broken.