• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Know-it-all Nikki
  • Knit
  • My Heart
  • Read
  • Explore
    • Alaska
    • Depression and Anxiety
    • Life
    • Monday Motivation
    • Nikki’s Notes
    • Recipes
You are here: Home / Personal thoughts / Pardon me for wanting normal

Pardon me for wanting normal

By Know-it-All Nikki Leave a Comment

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t.

On the 19th, I will be having surgery. I have to leave behind Peanut with my sister for about 48hrs because I will have to have a one night hospital stay. Lest I say again, I really don’t want to do this.

It’s necessary though. If I don’t have surgery, eventually my pacemaker will completely quit working (if it hasn’t already) and my heart will be left to fend for itself. Which will make me very tired. Very tired. I’m already tired, so imagine very tired with 4 kids at home, one of them, a baby. a breastfed baby. Say again with me… very tired. There is a side to this surgery that is not necessary and that is having 25 or so years of scar tissue removed from heart. The scar tissue is from all the surgeries I had done when I was younger. This has caused my heart to have to work extra hard to pump blood through all that scar tissue. Would it benefit me to have it done? Sure, I might feel even better than I did before. Problem is, the doctor doesn’t know if he can even do it until he gets a good look at my heart. So before I have surgery, I get the fantastic luxury of having a tube/camera shoved down my throat to get a real good look at my heart. Then they will decide. On that day, before the surgery. As of this point, I decided to have it done, if it can be done, (part of me wishes that it can’t) and it’s mostly because poor hubby has told me he wants his wife back. The one with more energy, who isn’t tired all the time. I tried explaining that no matter what, anyone who has pushed out 4 kids in 10 years is bound to be a little worn out, so get over it. The gal he married, is probably not coming back. He will have to make do with the model he has now.

I guess I am just ambivalent about the whole thing. I don’t want to leave my kids, I don’t want to be recouperating another 6 weeks, I don’t want to be in pain and limited to what I can do and can’t do (until I am healed), and I don’t want to be sliced open anymore.

I know, I should be thankful that through modern medicine I am even here today. Am I glad? Yes, but can’t I just be glad and then go on to be normal? Instead of a constant reminder of how un-normal I am? Every time I see a doctor, I have to explain all my scars and then my condition and then yes, I have 4 children and then No, no complications with my heart… by the time I get done with all that, I forget why I went to the doctor in the first place. My grandfather would be kicking me right now if he heard me talking this way. He was always the first to shout out my name whenever he saw me coming, he would sit and tell family, friends and even strangers about when I was born and how it’s a miracle that I am even here today. I should be more thankful I know but right now, my brain only focuses on the preparations at hand to get ready for this, the recovery and just how nice it would be to not have to do any of it.

But that’s not the plan God had in store for me. So I guess this is my self-absorbed blog for today. I’m sorry I couldn’t write anything better. I just want the 19th to be here and gone and to resume my regularly scheduled unnormal life as quickly as possible.

Filed Under: Personal thoughts Tagged With: Everything Else

Affiliate Disclosure

Know-it-All Nikki is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

*Posts containing affiliate links will always be disclosed.

Previous Post: « It’s a good mail week
Next Post: Friends but not when it comes to breastfeeding »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

Hi there!

I’m Nikki and I’m thrilled to have you here. I’m powered by a good chai latte, loads of chocolate, and humor. Here at Know-it-all Nikki, I dish up honest conversations about self-care and mental health. I also share living with a congenital heart defect, my love of books, knitting, midlife, and life as a Buckeye exploring The Last Frontier. So, pull up a seat, grab your tea, and let’s spill some tea, have a lot of laughs, and a few good cries. To learn more about what makes me tick, CLICK HERE

knowitallnikki

This could be very exciting! . . . . . #achd #crit This could be very exciting!
.
.
.
.
.
#achd #criticalcongenitalheartdefect #dtga #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #pacemakerlife #chdawareness #afibawareness #heartfailure #1in100 #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #achdvoices #chdawareness
I didn't think i would need a laptop today. Turns I didn't think i would need a laptop today. Turns out I was slightly wrong. Prepared as always with all my electronics, I'm thankful my kindle was fully charged as was the keyboard because my tablet definitely wasn't... Sure, I have pen and paper but that's for brainstorming! I was also in need of my favorite chai!
.
.
.
.
.
#mrandmrssmithmovetoalaska #writer #passionplanner #PashFam #passionplannerambassador #mentalhealth #knowitallnikkihasadhd #amwriting #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #welcometomymobileoffice
Almost an hour later we are finally boarding. This Almost an hour later we are finally boarding. This reminds me of that time I flew to Cleveland two weeks ago.
.
.
.
.
.
#ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #travel #achd #medicaltravel #chdawareness #chronicillness #dtga #adultchdsurvivor #pacemakerlife #pacemakerclub #1in100
Hanging with my former office manager at the satel Hanging with my former office manager at the satellite location has made me realize that time marches on with or without us. Eventually we all move a little slower, our hair color fades, and our age begins to show, both inside and out. 
.
.
But age is just a number and a state of mind. Our people see past the surface and love what's underneath and that's really all that matters.
.
.
.
.
#goldenlily #goldenretrievers #goldenretrieverlove #goldenretrieversofinstagram #mansbestfriend #momsbestfriend #dogsofinstagram #instadogs #dogsofig #petsofohio #petsofinstagram #officedog #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki
Last appointment is an ECG, heart cath site check, Last appointment is an ECG, heart cath site check, and who know what else is planned? My doctors often joke they don't get to see me enough so when they have me, they want to spend as much time with me as they can. 🤣🤣 They are sooo lucky I like them!
.
.
.
.
#achd #congenitalheartdefect #adultchd #dtga #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #transpositionofthegreatarteries #achdvoices #1in100 #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #achdawareness #pacemakerlife #zippersister #pacemakerclub #adultchdsurvivor #chdvoices
Today i just tell you how tired I am because my br Today i just tell you how tired I am because my brain has forgotten how to function.
.
.
.
.
.
#achd #chdvoice #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #chdawareness #1in100 #congenitalheartdefect #adultchd #dtga #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #transpositionofthegreatarteries #anticoagulantes #achdvoices #voicesofchd #achdawareness #pacemakerclub #pacemakerlife
Quick update 9n injections and what's next. . . . Quick update 9n injections and what's next.
.
.
.
.
.
#achd #criticalcongenitalheartdefect #dtga #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #transpositionofthegreatarteries #dtga #adultchdsurvivor #pacemakerlife #chdawareness #afibawareness #heartfailure #chdsurvivor #pacemakerclub #chdvoice #1in100 #zippersister #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki
Have I ever told you how much I hate needles? If n Have I ever told you how much I hate needles? If not, let me explain.

A childhood of being poked, held down, crying over the feeling of a needle under my skin has left me traumatized to the point of even feeling lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseous at times. 

The very idea that I have to do this to myself twice a day for the next week makes me want to vomit. I begged them to not make me do it but when I told the NP how I felt, ugh... it was dismissed. 

Wasnt there another option? Apparently not as warfarin isn't reliable (current blood thinner) or so I have been told. 

I've been told this doesn't hurt and that I won't feel a thing but I've been lied to before.

If you don't hear from me in the morning, there's a good chance I fainted and cracked my head open on the floor.
.
.
.
.
.
#chdvoice #chdsurvivor #congenitalheartdefect #adultchdsurvivor #achd #anticoagulantes #lovenox #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #achdvoices #1in100 #zippersister #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #transpositionofthegreatarteries #dtga #TGA
Sadness is getting all comfortable and realizing y Sadness is getting all comfortable and realizing you need a drink of water and you left the water bottle on the other side of the room.
.
.
.
.
.
#chdawareness #chronicillness #chdsurvivor #congenitalheartdefect #adultchd #pacemakerlife #pacemakerclub #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #achdvoices #1in100 #dtga #dextrotranspositionofthegreatarteries #transpositionofthegreatarteries #TGA
Load More Follow on Instagram

Footer

  • About this site
  • Advertising
    • Request a book review
  • Privacy Policy
  • Hire Me

Copyright 2006-2022 NLS Creative Privacy Policy