• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
Know-it-all Nikki
  • Knit
  • My Heart
  • Read
  • Explore
    • Alaska
    • Depression and Anxiety
    • Life
    • Monday Motivation
    • Nikki’s Notes
    • Recipes
You are here: Home / Personal thoughts / Pardon me for wanting normal

Pardon me for wanting normal

By Know-it-All Nikki Leave a Comment

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t.

On the 19th, I will be having surgery. I have to leave behind Peanut with my sister for about 48hrs because I will have to have a one night hospital stay. Lest I say again, I really don’t want to do this.

It’s necessary though. If I don’t have surgery, eventually my pacemaker will completely quit working (if it hasn’t already) and my heart will be left to fend for itself. Which will make me very tired. Very tired. I’m already tired, so imagine very tired with 4 kids at home, one of them, a baby. a breastfed baby. Say again with me… very tired. There is a side to this surgery that is not necessary and that is having 25 or so years of scar tissue removed from heart. The scar tissue is from all the surgeries I had done when I was younger. This has caused my heart to have to work extra hard to pump blood through all that scar tissue. Would it benefit me to have it done? Sure, I might feel even better than I did before. Problem is, the doctor doesn’t know if he can even do it until he gets a good look at my heart. So before I have surgery, I get the fantastic luxury of having a tube/camera shoved down my throat to get a real good look at my heart. Then they will decide. On that day, before the surgery. As of this point, I decided to have it done, if it can be done, (part of me wishes that it can’t) and it’s mostly because poor hubby has told me he wants his wife back. The one with more energy, who isn’t tired all the time. I tried explaining that no matter what, anyone who has pushed out 4 kids in 10 years is bound to be a little worn out, so get over it. The gal he married, is probably not coming back. He will have to make do with the model he has now.

I guess I am just ambivalent about the whole thing. I don’t want to leave my kids, I don’t want to be recouperating another 6 weeks, I don’t want to be in pain and limited to what I can do and can’t do (until I am healed), and I don’t want to be sliced open anymore.

I know, I should be thankful that through modern medicine I am even here today. Am I glad? Yes, but can’t I just be glad and then go on to be normal? Instead of a constant reminder of how un-normal I am? Every time I see a doctor, I have to explain all my scars and then my condition and then yes, I have 4 children and then No, no complications with my heart… by the time I get done with all that, I forget why I went to the doctor in the first place. My grandfather would be kicking me right now if he heard me talking this way. He was always the first to shout out my name whenever he saw me coming, he would sit and tell family, friends and even strangers about when I was born and how it’s a miracle that I am even here today. I should be more thankful I know but right now, my brain only focuses on the preparations at hand to get ready for this, the recovery and just how nice it would be to not have to do any of it.

But that’s not the plan God had in store for me. So I guess this is my self-absorbed blog for today. I’m sorry I couldn’t write anything better. I just want the 19th to be here and gone and to resume my regularly scheduled unnormal life as quickly as possible.

Filed Under: Personal thoughts Tagged With: Everything Else

Affiliate Disclosure

Know-it-All Nikki is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

*Posts containing affiliate links will always be disclosed.

Previous Post: « It’s a good mail week
Next Post: Friends but not when it comes to breastfeeding »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

Hi there!

I’m Nikki and I’m thrilled to have you here. I’m powered by a good chai latte, loads of chocolate, and humor. Here at Know-it-all Nikki, I dish up honest conversations about self-care and mental health. I also share living with a congenital heart defect, my love of books, knitting, midlife, and life as a Buckeye exploring The Last Frontier. So, pull up a seat, grab your tea, and let’s spill some tea, have a lot of laughs, and a few good cries. To learn more about what makes me tick, CLICK HERE

knowitallnikki

I will never not be amazed or awestruck at the sig I will never not be amazed or awestruck at the sight of a rainbow. 
.
.
.
.
.

#therainbowconnection #rainbowsaftertherain🌈 #naturelovers #naturelovers #rainbowcolors #roygbiv #alaskaliving #alaskalife #rainbowsunset
Some people would see this and say, "my God what a Some people would see this and say, "my God what a mess!" But I know the truth; it's September 2nd and I am one day late to making new batches of chai latte and hot chocolate mixes.
Why? Because #itsfallyall 
I know it may be sweltering where you are but for me, this is the unofficial start to my favorite season. Does that make me a basic bitch? Maybe, but I don't care.

.
.
.
.
.
#autumn #fallvibes #hotchocolate #cozylife #hallmarkmovies, #chailatte #fallcolors #autumnvibes
Hey guys... the books are inside. No? Ok, carry on Hey guys... the books are inside. No? Ok, carry on then.
.
.
.
.
#alaskaliving #alaskawildlife #cranes #sandhillcrane #sandhillcranes #birds #birdsofinstagram
That's right! There's a new post on the blog! I've That's right! There's a new post on the blog! I've wanted to write this one for awhile but wasn't quite sure how I felt. Then a conversation with a friend on Monday turned on the light bulb in my head and it was... EUREKA 💡. Has this ever happened to you?

.
.
.
.
#instareels #reelsofinstagram #gettingoldsucks #achd #ACHDAdventuresWithNikki #adultchdsurvivor #chdvoice #1in100
When you're trying to find something to eat for lu When you're trying to find something to eat for lunch and didn't bring the big bag in to carry your wallet and phone, you decide you want a plastic basket like the one(s) @heatherspinsayarn and your daughter from another mother has. And once you have said basket, you get your lunch and checkout...

But THEN you decide the basket oils perfect for taking only the essentials into the library so you fill it with your WIP, the jerky your bought, pens, your journal, phone, wallet, and keys. And now you feel all minimalist even though the big bag is still in the car with everything else. 🤣
I decided today to clean out my bag. And by "bag", I decided today to clean out my bag. And by "bag", I mean the giant @landsend tote bag I received when I went to the last ever GOOD Type-A Mom conference in 2017.
.
.
Here are some of the items I found...
2 pairs if wired earbuds
3 pairs of wireless earbuds
2 disposable masks
1 reusable mask
4 types of loose leaf herbal tea packets
- A more than comfortable stack of receipts for someone who doesn't work anymore
- An even more than comfortable stack of garbage
1 pen bag
1 small makeup bag courtesy @ipsy 
- a plastic closable case for bobby pins and hair ties
Saline solution
Flonase
2 rolls of washi tape
1 bobby pin
5 hair ties
5 scrunchies 
3 small notebooks
1 phone charger adapter that you plug in🔌 
1 phone stand
1 tablet or book stand
1 gauge swatch for the temperature blanket @heatherspinsayarn and I never started 🤣🤣
1 medicine bottle with extra strength Tylenol
2 moist towelettes (packaged)
3 kinds of hand lotion
1 lip balm
1 office clamp
1 small paper clip
1 really awesome microfiber eyeglass cleaner (I can share a link if you want it)
1 pair of very dirty clip-on sunglasses 
1 travel size pack of kleenex
1 notepad I made out of the library's recycling paper
A pair of fingerless gloves (not knitted)
A business card for the Alaska state troopers
1 knitting needle sizer
2 stitch markers
 A complete set ofstitch markers
A Travel size tooth bush, toothpaste, and flosadeck of tarot cards
4 fabric headbands
1 sports headband
Passport
Wallet
5 pens
1 mechanical pencil
- Too much Alaska sand in the bottom
- A combination crochet hook / knitting needle
.
.
And do you know what wasn't in there? The one thing I can't find... my driver's license
.
.
.
My office has no door. If I'm in the middle of wor My office has no door. If I'm in the middle of work, a phone call, or the @stitchingthemilestogether podcast there are extreme measures I need to take in order to get some privacy. 
.
.
The curtain is held closed by office binder clips (not just for files and potato chip bags anymore!) On the other side if the curtain is a baby gate because dogs are like moose and they will not be held back by binder clips. 
.
.
This works so well that I'm considering just leaving it like this permanently!
.
.
.
.
#officelife #homeofficedecor #homeofficelife #amwriting #freelancewriter #freelancelife
Not the most flattering picture I've ever taken so Not the most flattering picture I've ever taken so you MUST know how much I love and miss Nickles Maple Twist Sweet Rolls. These were a staple growing up in Ohio and my kids love them too.
.
Now, of course I can't find them here in Alaska so when @heatherspinsayarn talked about ordering them for the station, I may have let out the saddest, lowest sigh on the planet. Heather pitied me so much she sent me a maple twist sweet roll package.
.
She requested a picture and this is probably the best evidence I can provide. I promise the moment I began chewing, I was smiling like a fool (with my mouth closed of course). .
.
.
.
.
#nicklesbakery #stitchingthemilestogether #carepackage # fiberbffs
After an abysmal birthday month, it's time to rese After an abysmal birthday month, it's time to reset some things and get myself into a better headspace. 
.
But it isn't easy and I believe the words we use have the power to influence our mental health. Notice I use the words "Good choices"? That's because the word HABIT has negative connotations for me. 
.
It's doing something that I have chosen to do, over a habit I am enforcing on myself. I will be writing about this next week so be sure to check out the blog!
.
.
.
.
.
#goodchoices #passionplanner #PashFam #passionplannerambassador #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #selfcarefirst #smallvictories #passionplannerweekly #mayismentalhealthawarenessmonth
Load More Follow on Instagram

Footer

  • About this site
  • Advertising
    • Request a book review
  • Privacy Policy
  • Hire Me

Copyright 2006-2023 NLS Creative Privacy Policy