I don’t want to do this. I really don’t.
On the 19th, I will be having surgery. I have to leave behind Peanut with my sister for about 48hrs because I will have to have a one night hospital stay. Lest I say again, I really don’t want to do this.
It’s necessary though. If I don’t have surgery, eventually my pacemaker will completely quit working (if it hasn’t already) and my heart will be left to fend for itself. Which will make me very tired. Very tired. I’m already tired, so imagine very tired with 4 kids at home, one of them, a baby. a breastfed baby. Say again with me… very tired. There is a side to this surgery that is not necessary and that is having 25 or so years of scar tissue removed from heart. The scar tissue is from all the surgeries I had done when I was younger. This has caused my heart to have to work extra hard to pump blood through all that scar tissue. Would it benefit me to have it done? Sure, I might feel even better than I did before. Problem is, the doctor doesn’t know if he can even do it until he gets a good look at my heart. So before I have surgery, I get the fantastic luxury of having a tube/camera shoved down my throat to get a real good look at my heart. Then they will decide. On that day, before the surgery. As of this point, I decided to have it done, if it can be done, (part of me wishes that it can’t) and it’s mostly because poor hubby has told me he wants his wife back. The one with more energy, who isn’t tired all the time. I tried explaining that no matter what, anyone who has pushed out 4 kids in 10 years is bound to be a little worn out, so get over it. The gal he married, is probably not coming back. He will have to make do with the model he has now.
I guess I am just ambivalent about the whole thing. I don’t want to leave my kids, I don’t want to be recouperating another 6 weeks, I don’t want to be in pain and limited to what I can do and can’t do (until I am healed), and I don’t want to be sliced open anymore.
I know, I should be thankful that through modern medicine I am even here today. Am I glad? Yes, but can’t I just be glad and then go on to be normal? Instead of a constant reminder of how un-normal I am? Every time I see a doctor, I have to explain all my scars and then my condition and then yes, I have 4 children and then No, no complications with my heart… by the time I get done with all that, I forget why I went to the doctor in the first place. My grandfather would be kicking me right now if he heard me talking this way. He was always the first to shout out my name whenever he saw me coming, he would sit and tell family, friends and even strangers about when I was born and how it’s a miracle that I am even here today. I should be more thankful I know but right now, my brain only focuses on the preparations at hand to get ready for this, the recovery and just how nice it would be to not have to do any of it.
But that’s not the plan God had in store for me. So I guess this is my self-absorbed blog for today. I’m sorry I couldn’t write anything better. I just want the 19th to be here and gone and to resume my regularly scheduled unnormal life as quickly as possible.